WASHINGTON — The U.S. Mint announced emergency plans to construct additional money-printing facilities ahead of Grand Theft Auto VI, warning that existing infrastructure was not designed to accommodate whatever the fuck Rockstar is about to collect.
Although the Mint traditionally produces coins rather than paper currency, officials said the scale of the situation had made departmental distinctions unhelpful.
“The people who print the bills are already involved,” a spokesperson explained. “We’re involved. Someone called the people who make checks. This is an all-hands situation.”
The emergency coordination meeting included Treasury officials, currency manufacturers, and a man from procurement who had watched the trailer eleven times. He was appointed to lead demand forecasting after correctly identifying which attendees were pretending they would wait for a sale.
“That one has a countdown on his phone,” he told the committee. “Put him down for whatever the expensive one is.”
Officials stressed that printing additional currency would not itself make the public richer. The purpose was to prepare for how poor people were apparently willing to become.
Same Customer Counted Across Multiple Hardware Generations
The new facilities will operate around the clock, with one production line dedicated exclusively to customers who intend to purchase the same game on console, then PC, then whatever console comes out after that.
“We initially counted those as separate people,” said one Treasury analyst. “It’s the same man. He’s forty.”
The analyst said conventional models assumed a consumer’s demand for a product declined after he owned it. The assumption had been removed after the man explained that the second purchase would be for the frame rate and the third would be because his friends were getting back into it.
“He called the fourth one a fresh start,” the analyst said. “We haven’t found a ceiling.”
Federal planners said their preliminary estimates accounted for launch sales, premium editions, online purchases, and an unidentified product Rockstar has not announced but several million people have already decided they need.
A separate reserve will cover players who publicly insist they are finished with the company.
“That group is particularly reliable,” the analyst added. “We’ve budgeted for the deluxe edition.”
One prospective buyer supplied auditors with a six-page explanation of why he would never give Rockstar another dollar. The document concluded with a question about whether the premium edition included early access.
Analysts placed him in the highest confidence category, alongside consumers who say they only want the story but have already discussed which businesses they plan to own online.
Household Austerity Exemption for Digital Nightclubs
Officials emphasized that the expansion was not intended to influence consumer spending. Instead, it would ensure that sufficient currency exists when a man who has spent six months complaining about grocery prices sees a digital nightclub with an underground garage.
“This is different,” said one prospective buyer, declining to elaborate.
The buyer had recently canceled a streaming subscription over a $2 increase. He said that decision showed he knew how to prioritize, then asked whether a penthouse would come furnished or require a separate purchase.
Budget researchers asked him to distinguish between spending on necessities and spending on luxuries. He identified rent as a necessity and the nightclub as an investment.
“It generates passive income.”
The researchers asked whether the income could be used to pay his rent.
“My character’s rent.”
Treasury officials said existing household surveys were poorly equipped to capture a person reducing his real-world standard of living to improve the quality of life of a man he controlled with two thumbsticks.
A revised survey will ask respondents whether their savings are available for emergencies, retirement, or a vehicle that would substantially improve the garage screenshot.
The third option performed particularly well among respondents who said the economy was in trouble.
New Loading Dock Removes Unnecessary Economic Activity
Construction plans include a direct loading dock for Rockstar, eliminating the inefficient process of allowing newly printed money to circulate through the broader economy first.
“It goes through a paycheck, a checking account, a console storefront, and then Rockstar,” a logistics coordinator explained. “We’re trying to reduce unnecessary handling.”
Under the proposed arrangement, workers would continue receiving pay stubs confirming that money had been earned. The money itself would be routed to its anticipated destination, with a small portion retained for employees who still needed to eat during the launch window.
“We don’t want to overfund that part,” the coordinator said. “They’ll be busy.”
A transportation study recommended rail access, armored trucks, and a dedicated lane for people who bought the standard edition and changed their minds after seeing what their friend got.
The lane was initially designed for occasional traffic. Engineers widened it after reviewing the phrase “exclusive cosmetic items.”
One official proposed distributing commemorative coins to celebrate the launch. The proposal was withdrawn after several committee members asked whether the coins would unlock anything.
National Productivity Forecast Revised for Family Emergencies
Economists expressed concern that the launch could temporarily distort national productivity figures as millions of employees experience unrelated family emergencies on the same morning.
Several employers have already requested federal guidance on whether “I have to take my mother to Vice City” qualifies for protected leave.
Labor officials said the question was complicated by employees who had been announcing the emergency months in advance. One manager received a leave request listing the cause of the absence as “you already know.”
An employer who planned to require everyone to report to work was asked how he would enforce the policy. He said he would check attendance when he returned the following week.
Federal statisticians are developing a temporary measure to distinguish people working from home from people at home operating an import-export business that does not appear on their employer’s payroll.
“Both groups say they’re moving things around and waiting for someone to respond,” one statistician explained.
Analysts also warned that some employees would return with newly acquired management skills, including assigning friends to repetitive tasks while retaining most of the proceeds.
The practice will be counted as professional development.
Construction Jobs Will Help Workers Purchase the Product
Meanwhile, a congressional committee demanded assurances that the investment would benefit ordinary Americans rather than a single entertainment company.
Treasury officials responded that the construction would create hundreds of well-paying jobs, allowing workers to afford GTA VI.
The explanation received bipartisan support.
One lawmaker asked whether the wages would stay in the local economy. Officials said they would remain there long enough for workers to drive past several local businesses on the way home to their consoles.
Another requested a detailed account of the multiplier effect. An economist explained that every dollar spent on construction could support a worker, a retailer, and a virtual worker employed in a business owned by the first worker.
The committee asked whether the virtual worker paid taxes.
“That depends how realistically they’ve made it,” the economist said.
Members subsequently proposed naming the facilities after their districts. A staffer warned that the names might not fit on the commemorative plaque if each district also wanted a garage.
Rockstar Silence Prompts Additional Emergency Funding
At press time, Rockstar had issued no comment, prompting officials to authorize a second facility in case the silence indicated a collector’s edition.
Budget planners said the absence of a statement had left them unable to rule out a special box, a physical map, or an object that would sit unopened on a shelf while its owner explained that it would eventually be worth something.
A congressional aide asked whether officials should wait for an announcement before allocating the money. The procurement lead said waiting could jeopardize their position in the queue.
“We can cancel later,” he said.
The phrase was entered into the demand model as a confirmed purchase.
The first facility has already exceeded its construction budget after the project manager approved an additional $4 million for a rooftop helipad.
Asked why a money-printing facility needed a helipad, he said he had seen one in the trailer.