CIA, NSA, FBI Release Joint Report Confirming: “Very Few People Actually Have Haters”

Langley, VA — In what intelligence officials are calling the most significant domestic threat assessment since 9/11, the Central Intelligence Agency, National Security Agency, and Federal Bureau of Investigation have jointly confirmed what many suspected but few dared to say aloud: the overwhelming majority of Americans claiming to have "haters" are operating under a systematic delusion.

After analyzing more than 2.4 billion social media posts, cross-referencing 847 million user profiles, and conducting deep behavioral pattern analysis across seventeen platforms from self-proclaimed "misunderstood geniuses," "bosses with haters," and "people who are just built different," the agencies determined that 98.7% of all "haters" referenced in digital communications do not exist in any verifiable form.

"We've cross-referenced every mention of 'they don't want to see me win' against actual engagement metrics, relationship networks, and attention allocation patterns," said NSA senior data analyst Kevin Morales during a classified briefing whose contents were subsequently leaked to The Externality. "Turns out no one was watching you lose either. It's just the algorithm and your mom."

The findings, compiled in a 2,847-page report titled Assessment of Perceived Adversarial Attention in Civilian Digital Communications: A Comprehensive Analysis of Imaginary Opposition (2022-2025), represent the culmination of a three-year, $47 million joint task force operation that redirected resources from counterterrorism, cybersecurity, and foreign intelligence operations.

Operation Self-Oppression: Genesis and Methodology

The investigation began in April 2022 when FBI social media monitoring systems detected what analysts initially classified as a coordinated disinformation campaign. Millions of Americans were simultaneously claiming to be under observation by hostile entities they collectively referred to as "they," "the haters," "my ops," and "people who don't want to see me succeed."

"We thought we'd uncovered a massive foreign influence operation," explained FBI Deputy Director Sarah Chen. "The language patterns were consistent across demographics. Everyone was being 'watched.' Everyone had 'enemies.' The threat appeared systemic and organized. It took us six months to realize these people were just... making it up."

The full scope of the operation, codenamed Operation Self-Oppression, employed advanced signals intelligence, behavioral analysis algorithms, and what one CIA officer described as "an embarrassing amount of time reading people's Instagram captions."

Methodology included:

Phase One (2022-2023): Comprehensive data collection across major platforms including Instagram, TikTok, Twitter/X, Facebook, Snapchat, LinkedIn, and twelve smaller platforms. Analysts identified 847 million users who made at least one reference to having "haters" or equivalent terminology.

Phase Two (2023-2024): Deep network analysis to identify the alleged "haters." Using friend graphs, engagement patterns, subtweet forensics, and advanced natural language processing, analysts attempted to locate the individuals supposedly monitoring or opposing the subjects.

Phase Three (2024-2025): Longitudinal behavioral studies tracking 50,000 high-frequency "hater claimants" to document actual evidence of opposition, monitoring, or negative attention from identifiable individuals.

The results were unequivocal: In 98.7% of cases, the "haters" did not exist.

Key Statistical Findings

The report's executive summary contained several findings that intelligence officials described as "statistically significant" and "psychologically concerning":

• 87.3% of users who claimed "they envy me" had fewer than 300 followers across all platforms, with median engagement rates of 2.1% — below the threshold required to maintain algorithmic visibility to strangers.

• 72.8% of "hater energy" posts were published between 11:00 p.m. and 2:47 a.m., a time window that behavioral psychologists on the task force classified as "the loneliness vortex" or "when the user was clearly just sad and possibly drunk."

• 99.3% of people who posted "I got ops" were later revealed through contextual analysis to have confused "ops" (operations/enemies) with "opportunities" or, in 23% of cases, to be referencing their employer's operations team.

• 94.6% of individuals who posted variations of "they're watching my every move" had not been viewed by anyone outside their immediate social circle in the previous 30 days, excluding bot accounts and their own secondary accounts.

• Users with zero documented negative interactions in the previous 90 days posted about "haters" at a rate 340% higher than users who had actually experienced measurable criticism or opposition.

• The phrase "they don't want to see me win" appeared in 47 million posts over the study period. Network analysis identified actual third-party negative sentiment in 0.02% of these cases — typically from vendors pursuing unpaid invoices.

Perhaps most striking: users who posted about "haters" more than twice monthly demonstrated a 67% correlation with documented patterns of self-sabotaging behavior, suggesting the perceived opposition was, as one CIA psychologist noted,"coming from inside the house."

The Subtweet Analysis: A Case Study in Imaginary Conflict

A specialized FBI unit dedicated to "subtweet forensics" — the analysis of allegedly indirect social media attacks — provided some of the report's most definitive evidence of delusional antagonism.

"This wasn't counterterrorism, it was counter-delusion," said FBI spokesperson Marcus Reynolds during the report's classified rollout. "We wanted to understand why so many Americans believe three vague tweets equal persecution. What we found was a wholesale failure of self-awareness at a national scale."

The subtweet analysis examined 14.2 million posts that users claimed were "clearly about me" or "obviously directed at me, they just didn't @ me." Using advanced natural language processing, metadata analysis, and in some cases direct interviews with the supposed "subtweeter," analysts determined:

• 96.4% of alleged subtweets made no reference, direct or indirect, to the individual claiming victimization

• 2.8% referenced someone else entirely, often someone the alleged victim had never met

• 0.6% were automated posts from corporate accounts or bots

• 0.2% actually referenced the claimant — typically from former romantic partners or disgruntled co-workers with legitimate grievances

"People are pattern-matching themselves into narratives that don't exist," explained Dr. Patricia Leong, chief behavioral analyst for the operation. "Someone tweets 'some people are so fake' and forty-seven individuals convinced themselves it was about them specifically. It's a mass delusion facilitated by technology."

Digital Breakdown: Social Media Responds

Within hours of the report's leak to journalists, social media platforms experienced what communications researchers are calling "a collective identity crisis of unprecedented scale."

On Instagram, lifestyle vlogger Madison Pierce (1.2 million followers, 2.3% engagement rate) posted to her Stories:

"No haters? So who have I been proving wrong this whole time? The report must be wrong. They're probably haters too tbh."

The post received 847 likes and generated 23 comments, 22 of which were bot accounts and one from her mother.

Twitter/X experienced what platform analysts described as "an existential reckoning." The trending topics within six hours of the leak included:

#1: "NoHaters" (2.4M posts)

#2: "WhoWasIFightingThen" (1.8M posts)

#3: "FBIHatersReport" (1.3M posts)

#4: "IAmTheHater" (890K posts)

#5: "OperationSelfOppression" (640K posts)

Among the most-engaged responses:

"What if I was the hater all along?" — 847K likes

"So I've been shadow boxing ghosts for three years?" — 723K likes

"The enemy was the engagement algorithm we made along the way" — 681K likes

"Y'all are telling me NOBODY was obsessed with me??" — 594K likes

LinkedIn, unexpectedly, saw its most active engagement in the platform's history as business professionals attempted to reconcile their "doubters and naysayers" narratives with the federal findings.

Career coach Jennifer Hartman posted:

"To everyone who said I couldn't do it: thank you for the motivation. Wait. No one said that? So... do I have to give back the motivation?"

The post generated 34,000 reactions, primarily the "thoughtful" emoji, which LinkedIn's algorithm interpreted as agreement but psychologists on the task force classified as "collective confusion."

Inside the Agencies: From Counterterrorism to Counter-Delusion

Intelligence officials involved in the operation described the experience as alternately enlightening and demoralizing, representing a significant reallocation of resources from traditional national security priorities to what one NSA director called "essentially a three-year psychology experiment conducted at taxpayer expense."

"After years of tracking actual threats — state actors, terrorist networks, cybercriminals — it's refreshing to study people beefing with imaginary rivals named 'they,'" said NSA senior analyst Derek Martinez, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We used to chase foreign adversaries coordinating attacks on American interests. Now we're chasing 'energy.' At this point, I'm just happy to be doing something less depressing than monitoring actual geopolitical collapse."

The operation created unusual camaraderie between agencies typically separated by jurisdictional boundaries and inter-bureaucratic rivalry. CIA officers specializing in psychological operations found common ground with FBI social media analysts and NSA signals intelligence specialists, united by what one officer described as "the shared recognition that Americans have lost the plot."

"It's humbling," admitted CIA officer Rachel Torres. "We have tools designed to monitor hostile foreign governments. We used them to determine that no, Jessica, nobody is 'watching your glow-up' except the targeted ad algorithm and possibly your ex, who blocked you four months ago."

The task force reportedly maintained a "Wall of Delusion" in their operations center — a classified visualization board displaying the most statistically improbable hater claims alongside the verified reality. Sources describe it as "equal parts hilarious and depressing, kind of like the entire project."

A Surprising Exception: The Haitian Millionaire Anomaly

In what report authors described as "the only statistically significant deviation from baseline delusional antagonism," one demographic group was confirmed to experience genuine, measurable opposition: successful Haitian multimillionaires.

CIA sociocultural analysts identified this population as experiencing "authentic negative attention from both international economic competitors and extended family networks," creating what the report termed "legitimate hater density" significantly above population baseline.

The finding emerged from anomaly detection algorithms that identified Haitian business owners with net worths exceeding $5 million as the only group whose "hater claims" correlated with documented evidence of actual monitoring, criticism, and coordinated opposition.

"The data was unambiguous," explained Dr. James Wu, lead quantitative analyst on the project. "When a successful Haitian entrepreneur posts about being watched, they're usually correct. When everyone else does it, they're usually projecting insecurity onto an audience that doesn't exist."

Economist and philanthropist Henry Gutenberg, a Haitian-American technology investor with a reported net worth of $240 million, responded to the report's findings with characteristic understatement:

"We don't have haters. We have a documented history of international economic exploitation, ongoing neocolonial resource extraction, and relatives who suddenly remember your existence when you succeed. That's not paranoia. That's proof-of-work with receipts."

The report dedicated fourteen pages to analyzing what researchers termed "the inverse relationship between actual success and imaginary persecution," concluding that individuals with measurable achievement rarely claimed to have haters, while those with negligible visibility demonstrated the highest frequency of enemy fabrication.

Clinical Implications: "Delusional Antagonism Disorder"

The report's psychological analysis section, authored by a joint FBI-CIA behavioral science unit, has already influenced clinical practice. Therapists across the country have begun integrating the findings into treatment approaches for what mental health professionals are now calling "Delusional Antagonism Disorder" (DAD) — a condition characterized by the persistent belief that one is subject to coordinated observation or opposition despite absence of supporting evidence.

"When people say, 'They don't want to see me win,' it's often because they themselves don't want to admit losing," explained Dr. Marla Kent, clinical psychologist at Johns Hopkins University and consulting analyst for the operation. "The fabricated antagonist serves a psychological function: it externalizes failure, protects self-esteem, and provides narrative structure to otherwise random setbacks."

Dr. Kent's research, conducted parallel to the intelligence operation, identified several diagnostic criteria for DAD:

• Persistent beliefs about being monitored by unspecified individuals despite lack of evidence

• Attributing random events to coordinated opposition (e.g., "They're trying to block my success" when experiencing normal job rejection)

• Retroactive justification of personal failures through invented antagonist narratives

• Increased social media posting about "haters" inversely correlated with actual social engagement

• Resistance to evidence that contradicts the persecution narrative

"It's a defense mechanism gone digital," said Dr. Robert Chen, psychiatrist at UCLA Medical Center. "Previous generations blamed 'the man' or 'the system.' Now it's 'they' — an amorphous collective of imaginary antagonists that justifies why you're not where you think you should be."

The American Psychiatric Association has formed a working group to evaluate whether "Main Character Persecution Complex" warrants inclusion in the DSM-6, currently scheduled for publication in 2029. Early discussions suggest it may be classified under "Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders," though several committee members argue for a new category: "Digitally-Induced Delusional Patterns."

Insurance companies have begun covering "hater delusion therapy," while pharmaceutical companies quietly research medications targeting what neurologists call "hyperactive self-importance receptors."

Corporate Opportunities: Monetizing the Void

Technology companies, never ones to ignore a newly documented psychological vulnerability, responded to the report with characteristic opportunism.

Meta Platforms Inc. has reportedly filed seventeen patents related to what internal documents describe as "synthetic antagonism services" — AI-generated opposition designed to provide users with the feeling of being monitored without requiring actual human attention.

The flagship product, currently in closed beta, is Hater Simulation™, an AI system that automatically generates contextually appropriate negative comments, critical subtweets, and "jealous" reactions to user content. Early testers report "significantly improved self-esteem" and "validation of preexisting persecution narratives."

"People don't actually want to be left alone," explained Meta VP of Growth Engineering Thomas Reeves during an earnings call. "They want the psychological benefits of perceived antagonism without the actual social cost of being genuinely disliked. We're simply providing the opposition they've been pretending exists."

The service, expected to launch in Q2 2026, will offer tiered subscription plans:

Basic Tier ($4.99/month): Automated "You fell off" and "Mid" comments on 20% of posts

Premium Tier ($12.99/month): Sophisticated AI-generated criticism with personalized antagonist profiles and simulated subtweet campaigns

Enterprise Tier ($49.99/month): Full "coordinated opposition" experience including fake group chats discussing the user, simulated screenshots of criticism, and AI-generated "receipts" of alleged betrayals

Competitor platforms have announced similar initiatives. Twitter/X owner Elon Musk responded to the report via his platform:

"I have haters in every dimension, including dimensions that don't exist yet. Probably quantum. Maybe you just can't perceive them with your limited consciousness. Or something."

Federal data scientists subsequently classified the statement as "false, but consistent with documented behavioral patterns and on-brand for subject," adding it to the growing database of celebrity hater claims requiring no further investigation.

TikTok announced OppositionMode™, a feature that will use machine learning to generate personalized "doubter" accounts that comment on user videos with appropriately skeptical reactions, allowing creators to experience "the motivational benefit of proving someone wrong without requiring actual skeptics."

LinkedIn, identifying a business opportunity in professional delusion, is developing Corporate Hater Analytics™, which will generate fictional criticism from imaginary colleagues, allowing users to practice "overcoming workplace adversity" without experiencing actual professional conflict.

International Implications: A Global Phenomenon

While the report focused on American subjects, international intelligence agencies have begun conducting parallel studies, with preliminary results suggesting the phenomenon extends globally — though with significant cultural variations.

Britain's MI6 released a preliminary assessment indicating that 94% of UK citizens claiming "tall poppy syndrome" victimization were, in fact, "neither particularly tall nor resembling poppies in any metaphorically relevant sense." British analysts noted that most supposed "cutting down" consisted of "someone saying 'alright' in a slightly flat tone once in 2019."

France's DGSE found that 89% of French social media users claiming "les jaloux" (the jealous ones) were experiencing routine indifference rather than active envy, though analysts noted this finding was "complicated by French cultural norms around appearing unbothered."

Canada's CSIS determined that 91% of Canadian "hater claims" were actually misinterpreted instances of polite disagreement, with one analyst noting:"Someone said 'sorry, but I'm not sure about that approach' and the subject interpreted it as coordinated persecution. This is technically accurate for Canada, where that's about as antagonistic as it gets."

Japan's Public Security Intelligence Agency reported that the concept of "haters" remained largely foreign to Japanese social media users, with preliminary findings suggesting cultural emphasis on collective harmony prevented the development of imaginary-antagonist psychology. One analyst reported: "When we explained the study parameters, subjects asked why Americans would want to be disliked. We had no answer."

The United Nations Commission on Human Rights briefly considered whether "denial of hater existence" constituted a form of psychological harm, though the motion was withdrawn after member states noted that "validating mass delusion probably exceeds our mandate."

The Official Statement and H8RCheck Launch

In a rare unified press conference held at FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., representatives from all three agencies delivered a joint statement that officials described as "diplomatically phrased but statistically brutal."

Standing before a podium displaying the seals of the CIA, NSA, and FBI, Director of National Intelligence Avril Haines read the prepared statement:

"After comprehensive analysis utilizing the full spectrum of American intelligence capabilities, we have determined with high confidence that no one is thinking about you. This assessment is supported by signals intelligence, behavioral analysis, network mapping, and direct observation. We encourage Americans to redirect energy currently devoted to imaginary opposition toward achievable goals, genuine relationships, and perhaps therapy."

The statement continued: "We recognize this finding may cause distress among individuals who have structured significant portions of their identity around perceived persecution. Support resources are available. We also recognize this represents a substantial investment of federal resources in what is essentially a psychology experiment. No further questions."

The agencies also announced plans to release H8RCheck™, a free mobile application developed in partnership with researchers at MIT and Stanford that uses machine learning, network analysis, and behavioral psychology to determine whether users truly have haters or are "merely projecting insecurities onto an indifferent universe."

The app, expected to launch in spring 2026, will analyze users' social media presence, engagement metrics, and relationship networks to generate a "Hater Probability Score" ranging from 0 (complete invisibility) to 100 (actually being monitored by hostile parties).

The app's beta testing among 10,000 users revealed:

• 78% scored below 5 (statistically indistinguishable from baseline invisibility)

• 19% scored between 5-15 (mild visibility, no documented opposition)

• 2.8% scored between 15-30 (moderate visibility, occasional criticism)

• 0.2% scored above 30 (actual documented opposition)

All subjects scoring above 30 were either successful Haitian business owners, individuals involved in genuine legal disputes, or people who had committed actual crimes and were being actively investigated by law enforcement.

Early testers report 99.4% accuracy, with the app successfully identifying fictional haters in 99.7% of cases while maintaining a false negative rate of only 0.3% — primarily cases where users experienced genuine but mild criticism they had internalized as persecution.

One beta tester, Instagram user @blessed_and_motivated (14,000 followers, 1.8% engagement), reportedly deleted the app after receiving a score of 2.3 accompanied by the automated message:"You are essentially invisible to everyone except your immediate family and three friends. No one is monitoring you. No one is jealous. Please consider redirecting this energy toward literally anything else."

Economic Analysis: The Cost of Imaginary Opposition

A supplementary study conducted by the Department of Commerce and the Federal Reserve estimated that Delusional Antagonism Disorder costs the American economy approximately $127 billion annually in lost productivity, misdirected effort, and resources devoted to "proving wrong" people who were never watching.

The analysis, included as Appendix F in the intelligence report, found:

• $47 billion in lost workplace productivity from employees spending work hours crafting social media posts about "haters" rather than performing job duties

• $34 billion in misallocated business investment from entrepreneurs making strategic decisions based on anticipated opposition from fictional competitors

• $28 billion in therapeutic and pharmaceutical spending on treatments for anxiety and persecution complexes rooted in imaginary antagonism

• $18 billion in opportunity costs from time spent "proving doubters wrong" rather than pursuing actually valuable activities

Federal Reserve economist Dr. Linda Zhao, who led the economic analysis, noted: "We've essentially documented a massive dead-weight loss to the economy generated by people shadow-boxing phantoms. The same energy currently devoted to imaginary opposition could be redirected toward GDP-productive activities. It's economically inefficient at a scale we typically only see in regulatory compliance or healthcare administration."

Long-term Projections and Ongoing Monitoring

The intelligence community plans to continue monitoring "hater claim" patterns as part of broader social media surveillance operations, with quarterly assessment reports delivered to Congressional oversight committees.

"This isn't going away," said NSA Director Paul Nakasone during a closed Senate Intelligence Committee hearing whose transcript was subsequently leaked. "We're watching the real-time formation of mass delusion infrastructure. Social media platforms have economic incentives to maintain user engagement through validation of persecution narratives. We expect hater claims to increase 23-27% annually through 2030 despite continued absence of actual haters."

The agencies have requested $67 million in additional funding for fiscal year 2026 to expand the operation, citing "evolving threat landscapes in self-perception space" and "emerging technologies in synthetic antagonism that may complicate future analysis."

Congressional response has been mixed. Senator James Martinez (D-CA), chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, released a statement: "While I appreciate the thoroughness of this analysis, I question whether monitoring Americans' imaginary enemies represents optimal resource allocation during a period of genuine geopolitical instability. That said, the findings are concerning and suggest broader societal issues requiring attention."

Representative Sarah Johnson (R-TX), ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee, was more direct: "We just spent $47 million to tell people nobody cares about them. I have questions about literally every decision that led to this moment."