HEAVEN / SAN JOSE — God issued a joint statement with Adobe Friday warning that selecting “Print” with the intention of saving a PDF constitutes lying, adding that He knows perfectly well there is no paper in the printer.
“You clicked Print,” the Almighty said. “Then you selected Save. You knew what you were doing before you opened the menu.”
The statement follows a theological review commissioned by Adobe after researchers discovered that millions of users were obtaining documents through a feature already available on their computers instead of entering a payment relationship.
“We initially classified this as lost revenue,” an Adobe spokesperson explained. “After speaking with God, we now understand it is also a spiritual problem.”
The review found that many users had not even considered buying anything. Investigators described this as evidence of how thoroughly the practice had been normalized.
“She needed a PDF, made a PDF, and went back to what she was doing,” the spokesperson said. “There was no moment of hesitation. That concerned us.”
Physical Output Must Have Been in Your Heart
Under the new doctrine, users who select Print must demonstrate a sincere intention to produce a physical object. Evidence may include purchasing paper, checking an ink cartridge, or standing beside a printer wondering why it says it is offline.
Simply possessing a printer will not establish innocence.
“The printer has been disconnected since 2021,” God told one user. “Do not bring it into this.”
A preliminary audit distinguished between users who sincerely wanted a paper copy and users who briefly imagined wanting one after learning about the rule. God said the second group was wasting everyone’s time.
“I was there for the original thought.”
One man claimed he had intended to print until the last possible moment. God reminded him that he had named the file final_digital_copy.pdf before opening the dialog.
The man asked whether the filename could be amended.
“The filename can,” God said.
Users whose printers jam while attempting a legitimate print job will remain in good standing. Users who then select Save to PDF must establish that the jam caused a genuine change of plan, rather than providing cover for an outcome they had wanted all along.
Adobe said the distinction would be explained in a short online assessment. Completing it would require users to download a form.
Adobe Identifies Documents Produced Without a Billing Event
Adobe described the practice as circumvention, arguing that users were exploiting the distinction between what a menu says and what a computer can actually do.
“You wanted a PDF,” a representative said. “We sell PDF-related things. Yet somehow you ended up with a PDF and we received nothing. Explain that.”
One office worker said she had only wanted to save a receipt.
God confirmed that He had seen the receipt and understood the situation, but emphasized that omniscience did not constitute approval of her workflow.
The worker explained that her browser offered the feature and that she had used it exactly as designed. Adobe said this was the central finding of the investigation.
“The browser has made it very easy.”
Asked whether the browser manufacturer should therefore bear responsibility, God said the user still had free will. The worker asked whether the free part was the problem.
Adobe requested that questions remain focused on honesty.
Company representatives later presented a diagram showing the expected workflow: need document, create account, select plan, enter payment information, obtain document. The worker’s version connected the first step directly to the last.
The missing steps were highlighted in red.
Confession Updated to Include Destination Changes
Religious leaders have been instructed to ask worshippers whether they have falsely represented their printing intentions. A new confession form includes a checkbox for “I also changed the destination while the dialog was open.”
Users who selected “Microsoft Print to PDF” will face additional questions about involving a second corporation in the deception.
Clergy have requested guidance on whether pressing Ctrl+P constitutes a verbal claim, an action, or merely a keyboard shortcut. God said intent remained decisive. Adobe said all three should stay on the form until the review was complete.
One worshipper confessed to saving eleven documents in a single afternoon. His priest asked whether he understood what he had done. He said he had organized his tax records.
The priest consulted the new guidance and asked whether any of the documents had been combined.
Adobe has offered training materials to help religious leaders distinguish ordinary document handling from activities that would be more appropriately performed under an active subscription.
A priest who printed the guidance for his congregation received an automated notice asking whether he had permission to distribute multiple copies. He said God had told him to spread the word.
The notice asked him to contact sales.
Paper-and-Scanner Loophole Closed After Private Meeting
Meanwhile, theologians debated whether printing the document on paper and scanning it back into a PDF would satisfy the requirement.
God acknowledged that this would technically be honest.
Adobe requested a private meeting.
Following that discussion, the joint statement was amended to clarify that deliberately wasting paper to avoid a subscription also violated the spirit of the agreement.
“You cannot outsmart your way into a free document,” the spokesperson said.
A theologian asked how the same sheet of paper could serve as evidence of sincerity before the meeting and evidence of misconduct afterward. Adobe said the revised guidance reflected a deeper understanding of the user’s journey.
Another scholar proposed handwriting the document, photographing each page, and saving the photographs together. God asked why anyone would go to such lengths.
The scholar showed Him the subscription page.
God said He understood the temptation.
Adobe subsequently clarified that the doctrine applied to the underlying desire to obtain a document without establishing a continuing commercial relationship, regardless of how many intermediate steps were involved.
“At a certain point, we have to look beyond the button,” the spokesperson explained.
The original statement about what the button said will remain in effect.
Forgiveness Is Free; Applying It to a Folder Is Extra
The company has proposed a redemption plan allowing users to regularize previously saved PDFs through monthly payments. God confirmed that forgiveness remained free, although Adobe noted that applying it to multiple files would require the business tier.
The individual plan covers one repentant user and a limited number of documents. Families may share a printer but will need separate accounts for any wrongdoing committed on separate devices.
An accountant asked whether a document saved years ago required an ongoing payment. Adobe said the file was still being enjoyed in the present.
“It’s a parking receipt,” the accountant said. “The car is gone.”
“But you still have the PDF.”
Users who cancel the redemption plan will receive confirmation that their cancellation has been recorded. The confirmation may be viewed online. Downloading a copy will reopen the issue.
God said sincerely repentant users should not fear an administrative technicality. Adobe agreed and said the annual option would remove the need to think about it every month.
Desktop Folders Now Subject to Examination of Conscience
The announcement has prompted users to review their Downloads folders for documents whose origins they can no longer confidently defend.
One user found a file called Untitled (6).pdf and asked God whether He remembered how it had been created. God said He did. The user asked whether He could therefore tell him what was in it.
God said that was a separate request.
Adobe said it was developing a tool to identify potentially irregular files. The tool would scan a folder, count the documents, and recommend a plan capable of resolving the number it found.
A user with no PDFs received a recommendation to subscribe in case a future need arose. The company said prevention remained preferable to remediation.
At press time, a user asked whether taking a screenshot of the document was permitted.
God went silent.
Adobe asked Him to write another commandment.